Trauma

Sitting at her desk her nerves were stretched tight like guitar string tensed to either play or break with the lightest pressure.  She searched for solace or just escape from the questioning eyes and the news that had been delivered just moments before.  The words flowed like lava through her, just another extension of what happened seven months prior that had left her battered and broken.  Another pull of the string brings the pain crashing back into her body.  Things were no longer normal.  She saw things with new eyes felt things with a new awareness she couldn't go back to what she knew before.  How could she her life had been blown apart by her brothers murder.  What she really needed she knew she could not do for herself she needed supernatural strength and grace. 
My brother and I were close growing up we had to be.  We were taught that family was everything and to describe the hole left by his death is impossible for me to do.  I have gone over the events that led to my brother’s death trying to find a good reason for him to be taken like he was, trying to imagine what I would say if I had a voice to do so.

There are several questions a person is forced to ask themselves when trauma enters their world.  First and foremost is what would God have me do with this?  For me it was simple (I say that but really what I mean is supernatural) I had to choose grace.  I had to choose not to hate the people that took someone so precious from me.  When everyone in my family was calling for justice I was alone choosing the path my savior gave to me.  To be completely honest hate would have been easier to feel or even dispare.  It would have been easy to give in to my selfish human emotions sometimes the flesh is easier. 

You are the light of the world—like a city on a mountain, glowing in the night for all to see. Don’t hide your light under a basket! Instead, put it on a stand and let it shine for all. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.
— Matthew 5:14-16 (NLT)

But I have to, I am called to be an example for my family!!  Although I am really well practiced at failing to do so.  Is it any surprise that I want at times just say forget about it today its all about me?  But then I think -- what if Jesus had done the same thing all those years ago, where would I be now??  Lost and alone.

The day I found out about my brother I was on my knees doubled over in pain crying out God Please, God Please. I had to let go and trust that he knew what I was talking about. Isn’t it great that our Lord knows us so completely that we don’t have to say words all the time for Him to get it.

"Count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don’t like it, I do! And all heaven applauds." Jesus Christ, Matthew 5:11-12 The Message